When Sydney was 20-21 months old, we bought one of those inflatable ring swimming pools for the backyard because Syd loved being in the water. It was a little 3 foot pool, nothing fancy, but enough that she could float around in. One day while we were cooling off, we decided to try the old tried-and-true sink or swim approch to see what would happen. Tommy would dunk her under the water and pull her up. He did this several times and on the fifth or sixth time he dunked her under and let her go. She stayed under for a second, came up for air and sunk. Tommy went to grab her, but instead waited to see what would happen. She started kicking her feet--- she was swimming! She kicked herself to the top, took a breath, and back under the water she went. Later that summer, we went to the Hill Country to see family and she was swinging off the rope swing into the Guadalupe River, all before she was potty trained.
She loves to be in the water. She likes to take baths, just to play and lay back in the water.
Last week I saw an ad in the paper for a new swim club. I called and got some information. I asked Sydney about it when she got home from school. She seems to be stoked about it, all except the 7-8:30 a.m. practices in the summer. I'm really excited for her and I think this may be her "thing". She's not much into athletics. She has tried t-ball, soccer, flag football... she had fun, but after the initial season, she didn't want to do it again.
Sydney's first swimming trial is tomorrow and I can't wait to watch her swim. I'm so proud of her in everything that she does and I really hope this is something that she wants to put her all into. I never saw myself as a "soccer mom". Maybe a "aqua mom"? We'll soon see!
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Acceptance
Stage 1: Denial and Isolation- This was early on when I kept my feelings to myself. I would watch "A Baby Story" in secret and pray to have another baby one day. The dr. had told me that I have the early stages of a prolapsed uterus and that conceiving might be difficult, but she didn't say impossible so I held out hope.
Stage 2: Anger- After somewhat discussing it with Tommy and him completely shooting the idea down, I was so mad at him. Everything he said or did infuriated me to no end. It wasn't until I had my breakdown and heart-to-heart with him that I began to see he was right!
Stage 3: Barganing- Even after I began to see Tommy's side, I called around to hospitals and clinics to try and see what the out-of-pocket expenses would look like. I confronted Tommy with my information, and was shot down again. His response was stern, but loving and what he was telling me was so right. His pro's list made so much more sense than mine!
Stage 4: Depression- I never really got what I considered depressed. I was really sad, but as long as I didn't think about it I was just fine. It was when I was alone with my thoughts that I was sad, or if someone wanted to talk about it. I would just politely say, "It makes me really sad to talk about it so I'd rather not, but thank you for being concerned." But make no mistake, there were plenty of tears.
Stage 5: Acceptance- I do feel like I have lost a child, and I by no means am comparing my grief to others who have actually lost a child. But I did want a baby desperately; I still do, but I have now accepted the fact that, apart from a miracle, it's just not going to happen. I'm starting to be ok with that. My pro's list is starting to look selfish, but that's ok. I think that is part of the process of moving on as well, to think of yourself.
I have a great life and shame on me to complain as much as I did about not getting to have another baby. I have a wonderful husband who adores me, despite my craziness. I have an amazing, healthy, beautiful daughter who has my whole heart. It's kind of nice to be able to tell her that I love her more than anyone in the whole world and know that every syllable of that statement is true. I'm too blessed to be stressed!
Stage 2: Anger- After somewhat discussing it with Tommy and him completely shooting the idea down, I was so mad at him. Everything he said or did infuriated me to no end. It wasn't until I had my breakdown and heart-to-heart with him that I began to see he was right!
Stage 3: Barganing- Even after I began to see Tommy's side, I called around to hospitals and clinics to try and see what the out-of-pocket expenses would look like. I confronted Tommy with my information, and was shot down again. His response was stern, but loving and what he was telling me was so right. His pro's list made so much more sense than mine!
Stage 4: Depression- I never really got what I considered depressed. I was really sad, but as long as I didn't think about it I was just fine. It was when I was alone with my thoughts that I was sad, or if someone wanted to talk about it. I would just politely say, "It makes me really sad to talk about it so I'd rather not, but thank you for being concerned." But make no mistake, there were plenty of tears.
Stage 5: Acceptance- I do feel like I have lost a child, and I by no means am comparing my grief to others who have actually lost a child. But I did want a baby desperately; I still do, but I have now accepted the fact that, apart from a miracle, it's just not going to happen. I'm starting to be ok with that. My pro's list is starting to look selfish, but that's ok. I think that is part of the process of moving on as well, to think of yourself.
I have a great life and shame on me to complain as much as I did about not getting to have another baby. I have a wonderful husband who adores me, despite my craziness. I have an amazing, healthy, beautiful daughter who has my whole heart. It's kind of nice to be able to tell her that I love her more than anyone in the whole world and know that every syllable of that statement is true. I'm too blessed to be stressed!
Monday, March 7, 2011
Well, that was nice...
I'm feeling much better now, since my previous post. It feels good to get stuff off your chest sometimes and just emotionally vomit, and I did so all over my blog. But I do feel better; it was clensing. I'm seeing things in a much brighter light. I am considering this a mourning process, but when I look around at the people in my life and all of the things I have, I realize I am much to blessed to be stressed!
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Life's Not Fair...
You know, from as far back as my memory goes, I have been told by one person or another, "Life's just not fair sometimes". I even tell my own child this. Does it make any situation ANY easier? NO! Usually I can find a way around the unfairness and work something out in my favor.
Don't get me wrong, I love my life. I am blessed beyond measure! I have an amazing husband who adores me, a beautiful daughter that I cannot imagine my life without, fantastic family, both my own as well as my in-laws, and an abundance of friends. I look around and know that I am truly blessed! However, there is my heart that I just can't ignore, and in this case, life is indeed not fair...
For about a year now, my heartstrings have been tugged over and over at the thought of adding to our little family. The last few months it has become overwhelming. For lack of a better term, my biological clock is ticking. I had always said if we didn't have another child by the time I was 30, Sydney would be an only child. I was content with that until a year ago. There was no specific event that triggered it, no rhyme or reason to it... I just woke up one morning and told my husband, "I want another baby!" I have said this to him in the past, and he always said he was happy with the way things are now. This time he said, "OK". Imagine my surprise!
We sat down and began discussing the logistics of it: if I get off birth control and wait 3 months, then we start trying, what month will we begin to try? What will be my due date? Then there was the ever present question of "Can we afford this?" Ugh!
I quit my job in September to reopen my home day care, which means I forfeited my insurance. I am one of the millions of Americans who are currently uninsured. It costs entirely too much to get on a family plan through Tommy's insurance at work, and individual policies do not cover maternity care. However, even though we can't afford to put me on Tommy's insurance, we make too much to qualify for Medicaid. I will not be one of those people who would be embarrassed by having to receive government services. My parents have worked their butts off their whole lives and their children (and grandchildren) should be able to reap the benefits of that! I also will not be one of those people that abuse the system. So because of this wicked little problem of finances, my brain tells me another baby is a no-go. My heartstrings are being tugged more than ever.
This feels like a loss. I feel like I'm going through the grieving process for a child I haven't had. I find myself at random times during the day in tears with a literal pain in my chest. I imagine this little one with dark hair and eyes, just like Sydney, and I cry. Hindsight is 20/20 and looking back, I wish I had known I would never carry another child, that I would never experience childbirth again, that I will never again look into the eyes of my own newborn child. I would have soaked in every sound, every smell, every feeling and held on for dear life. I think about the sadness that I feel for Sydney... she will never know the highest highs and lowest lows of being a sibling. She will never know the extreme pleasure of being an aunt. Then I think, "What if she grows up, and doesn't want to have kids?" I would be grandchildless, and that is just a thought to painful to bear. My brain is telling me one thing and my heart is telling me something completely different.
It's unfair that we are those people that are stuck in the middle--- too rich for help, too poor self-reliance. Here's the really unfair part, the part that makes me hear that little voice in the back of my head says, "Sometimes life just isn't fair." I look around and see people who don't even have the means to care for a child, especially ones who have 2 or 3 other babies and can't provide for them. Yet, here they are getting all their medical paid for, having these beautiful babies and no way to take care of them once they get them home. It is one of the most frustrating things that I can imagine. We may not be able to swing $500 to put me on Tommy's insurance, but I can guarantee you my child would be provided for. I guarantee that NO ONE on the Earth would love and adore that child as much as I would. My baby, just like Sydney, would know every day how much they were wanted.
I have such a strong faith in God, and KNOW in my heart that if I did this, and it was in God's plan for me to have another baby, that I would. I also have the faith that God will provide for us, no matter what our needs. He's done it before! I want to leave it in God's hands and let Him take care of us, but the practical side of my brain says that it's just not meant to be. That pen-to-paper, when you look at it logically, the responsible thing to do is to just accept that it isn't meant to be and move on. I guess that's where I need to be... but it's so hard. I spend hours online, trying to figure out a way to present this to Tommy to where he will say, "That'll work!" But short of us paying for a pregnancy, delivery and postpartum care out-of-pocket, that's just not going to happen.
I just wish that my brain and my heart were on the same page... even as blessed as my life is, it's still unfair sometimes!
Don't get me wrong, I love my life. I am blessed beyond measure! I have an amazing husband who adores me, a beautiful daughter that I cannot imagine my life without, fantastic family, both my own as well as my in-laws, and an abundance of friends. I look around and know that I am truly blessed! However, there is my heart that I just can't ignore, and in this case, life is indeed not fair...
For about a year now, my heartstrings have been tugged over and over at the thought of adding to our little family. The last few months it has become overwhelming. For lack of a better term, my biological clock is ticking. I had always said if we didn't have another child by the time I was 30, Sydney would be an only child. I was content with that until a year ago. There was no specific event that triggered it, no rhyme or reason to it... I just woke up one morning and told my husband, "I want another baby!" I have said this to him in the past, and he always said he was happy with the way things are now. This time he said, "OK". Imagine my surprise!
We sat down and began discussing the logistics of it: if I get off birth control and wait 3 months, then we start trying, what month will we begin to try? What will be my due date? Then there was the ever present question of "Can we afford this?" Ugh!
I quit my job in September to reopen my home day care, which means I forfeited my insurance. I am one of the millions of Americans who are currently uninsured. It costs entirely too much to get on a family plan through Tommy's insurance at work, and individual policies do not cover maternity care. However, even though we can't afford to put me on Tommy's insurance, we make too much to qualify for Medicaid. I will not be one of those people who would be embarrassed by having to receive government services. My parents have worked their butts off their whole lives and their children (and grandchildren) should be able to reap the benefits of that! I also will not be one of those people that abuse the system. So because of this wicked little problem of finances, my brain tells me another baby is a no-go. My heartstrings are being tugged more than ever.
This feels like a loss. I feel like I'm going through the grieving process for a child I haven't had. I find myself at random times during the day in tears with a literal pain in my chest. I imagine this little one with dark hair and eyes, just like Sydney, and I cry. Hindsight is 20/20 and looking back, I wish I had known I would never carry another child, that I would never experience childbirth again, that I will never again look into the eyes of my own newborn child. I would have soaked in every sound, every smell, every feeling and held on for dear life. I think about the sadness that I feel for Sydney... she will never know the highest highs and lowest lows of being a sibling. She will never know the extreme pleasure of being an aunt. Then I think, "What if she grows up, and doesn't want to have kids?" I would be grandchildless, and that is just a thought to painful to bear. My brain is telling me one thing and my heart is telling me something completely different.
It's unfair that we are those people that are stuck in the middle--- too rich for help, too poor self-reliance. Here's the really unfair part, the part that makes me hear that little voice in the back of my head says, "Sometimes life just isn't fair." I look around and see people who don't even have the means to care for a child, especially ones who have 2 or 3 other babies and can't provide for them. Yet, here they are getting all their medical paid for, having these beautiful babies and no way to take care of them once they get them home. It is one of the most frustrating things that I can imagine. We may not be able to swing $500 to put me on Tommy's insurance, but I can guarantee you my child would be provided for. I guarantee that NO ONE on the Earth would love and adore that child as much as I would. My baby, just like Sydney, would know every day how much they were wanted.
I have such a strong faith in God, and KNOW in my heart that if I did this, and it was in God's plan for me to have another baby, that I would. I also have the faith that God will provide for us, no matter what our needs. He's done it before! I want to leave it in God's hands and let Him take care of us, but the practical side of my brain says that it's just not meant to be. That pen-to-paper, when you look at it logically, the responsible thing to do is to just accept that it isn't meant to be and move on. I guess that's where I need to be... but it's so hard. I spend hours online, trying to figure out a way to present this to Tommy to where he will say, "That'll work!" But short of us paying for a pregnancy, delivery and postpartum care out-of-pocket, that's just not going to happen.
I just wish that my brain and my heart were on the same page... even as blessed as my life is, it's still unfair sometimes!
Sunday, December 12, 2010
December 12th, my birthday...
First one up... I walk through the house, turning up the heat... letting the dog out... plugging in Christmas tree lights... and now I sit. Rocking in the recliner, looking at the tree, reflecting on a wonderful 33 years. What a sensational weekend it has been! As I reflect on my amazing family and friends and just all-around fantastic people I surround myself with, only one comment comes to mind: "My cup runneth over!"
Monday, November 22, 2010
Thankfulness
Looking back on my life, I could count a bajillion things that I am thankful for. I have a truly blessed life.
I am eternally thankful for my husband, Tommy. He is such a good man. He takes such good care of us and I am constantly reminded of all the things he says and does because he knows it what makes me happy or it's what I want to hear. I'm so grateful that we have such an amazing marriage. We go through our ups and downs like everyone else, but at the end of the day we are still completely and madly in love with each other. We have made an amazing life for each other that I am truly blessed to have.
I've never been so thankful as I am for my daughter, Sydney. I am totally enamored of my child. She makes each day worth living. Sydney has such a great personality and I see so much of mine in hers. She gets her Daddy's looks, but she is all me in her personality. She is a totally spoiled brat, but I'm thankful that we are in a position that we can spoil her. I love my sweet angel baby more than she will ever know.
I am thankful for my amazing parents! I had a wonderful childhood and have truly been blessed with the people that God picked to raise me. My mom is one of my best friends, so much so that I can't go more than 2 days without talking to her on the phone, and I feel homesick when I leave my parents home. My dad is such a hard working man, and his faith in God is inspiring. I love that my baby has such wonderful grandparents to look up to.
I am also extremely grateful for my sisters, Donna and Jessica. They have both fought their internal demons and came out on the other side better than they have ever been. I'm so very proud of them both and just as proud to call them my sisters. I'm so very, very thankful for my neices Madison and Justice, and for my nephews Dominic and Aaron, better known as my "Boog". Any empty space that I ever had in my heart are filled with my love for them. I thank God everyday for the health and happiness of my family.
There are no words to say how grateful I am for my in-laws. I can honestly say that we have gone through the best of times and the worst of times, but I think the worst of times is finally behind us. My mother-in-law Mary and I get along better now than we ever have. My sisters-in-law Stacie and Laci are two people that I count as my bestest friends. I love those two girls so much! I am thankful to have them in my life. I am thankful that my youngest sister-in-law Marie and I are back on track to becoming the friends that we were "back in the day." I am also thankful for my neices and nephews-in-law (if that is such a thing)! My nephew, Matthew is about to graduate from college and I am so very proud of the man he has become. I love my Kami and little LeeLee and I am looking forward to getting to know sweet little Ashton and A'nevaeh better.
I am thankful for this great job that I am able to have. Calling it "work" would be a lie. I am able to be home all day and love on babies! And I get paid for that! LOL! Again, this goes back to my wonderful husband who allows me to do all the things that make me happy.
I am so very grateful for my friends that I have... the real ones are few and far between, but that's just the way I like it. I know that any time I need anything, big or small, they are simply a phone call away!
I am the most thankful for my God, who had blessed me and my family beyond measure... it's a good life and I'm glad it's mine.
I am eternally thankful for my husband, Tommy. He is such a good man. He takes such good care of us and I am constantly reminded of all the things he says and does because he knows it what makes me happy or it's what I want to hear. I'm so grateful that we have such an amazing marriage. We go through our ups and downs like everyone else, but at the end of the day we are still completely and madly in love with each other. We have made an amazing life for each other that I am truly blessed to have.
I've never been so thankful as I am for my daughter, Sydney. I am totally enamored of my child. She makes each day worth living. Sydney has such a great personality and I see so much of mine in hers. She gets her Daddy's looks, but she is all me in her personality. She is a totally spoiled brat, but I'm thankful that we are in a position that we can spoil her. I love my sweet angel baby more than she will ever know.
I am thankful for my amazing parents! I had a wonderful childhood and have truly been blessed with the people that God picked to raise me. My mom is one of my best friends, so much so that I can't go more than 2 days without talking to her on the phone, and I feel homesick when I leave my parents home. My dad is such a hard working man, and his faith in God is inspiring. I love that my baby has such wonderful grandparents to look up to.
I am also extremely grateful for my sisters, Donna and Jessica. They have both fought their internal demons and came out on the other side better than they have ever been. I'm so very proud of them both and just as proud to call them my sisters. I'm so very, very thankful for my neices Madison and Justice, and for my nephews Dominic and Aaron, better known as my "Boog". Any empty space that I ever had in my heart are filled with my love for them. I thank God everyday for the health and happiness of my family.
There are no words to say how grateful I am for my in-laws. I can honestly say that we have gone through the best of times and the worst of times, but I think the worst of times is finally behind us. My mother-in-law Mary and I get along better now than we ever have. My sisters-in-law Stacie and Laci are two people that I count as my bestest friends. I love those two girls so much! I am thankful to have them in my life. I am thankful that my youngest sister-in-law Marie and I are back on track to becoming the friends that we were "back in the day." I am also thankful for my neices and nephews-in-law (if that is such a thing)! My nephew, Matthew is about to graduate from college and I am so very proud of the man he has become. I love my Kami and little LeeLee and I am looking forward to getting to know sweet little Ashton and A'nevaeh better.
I am thankful for this great job that I am able to have. Calling it "work" would be a lie. I am able to be home all day and love on babies! And I get paid for that! LOL! Again, this goes back to my wonderful husband who allows me to do all the things that make me happy.
I am so very grateful for my friends that I have... the real ones are few and far between, but that's just the way I like it. I know that any time I need anything, big or small, they are simply a phone call away!
I am the most thankful for my God, who had blessed me and my family beyond measure... it's a good life and I'm glad it's mine.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Updates
Wow, I forget that I have this sweet outlet for all of my inner thoughts and feelings, LOL! I reread my last posting and literally laughed out loud and shook my head... when am I ever going to learn to NEVER say NEVER!
Since my last posting I have gotten rid of my precious black Beetle, trading it in for a more responsible, family vehicle. I have now doubled my passenger seating, LOL! We decided to do this for 2 reasons:
A) (Here's where the never say never comes into play) I have quit my job at the Elementary and have reopened my home day care. We decided to do this under the strict agreement that we were going to have a day care where we lived and we would never again live in a day care, which is what ended up happening last time. I am listed again and I am keeping 3 little girls under the age of 4; I am having way too much fun. I also wanted to stay home because
B) We have decided to try for another baby. Not really sure when we will officially start this, as I am trying to start eating right and maintaining an exercise routine so that I can have a much healthier pregnancy this time around. We are very excited, Sydney being the most excited of all! She can't wait to have a baby brother or baby sister!
Speaking of Syd: She is amazing! She is now in 2nd grade, the first 6 weeks behind her. She loves her teacher and her new school. She is so smart and creative! She has great friends and is turning into quite a wonderful big kid... she turned 8 in September and reminded me that although she will always be my baby, she is no longer a baby in any other sense of the word!
We had a wonderful summer... we took several family trips! Dallas, Albuqurque, Kerrville... Syd and I even made it to the big city of Alpine! It was nice to get to spend some time with my extended family, as well as my lil family!
Since my last posting I have gotten rid of my precious black Beetle, trading it in for a more responsible, family vehicle. I have now doubled my passenger seating, LOL! We decided to do this for 2 reasons:
A) (Here's where the never say never comes into play) I have quit my job at the Elementary and have reopened my home day care. We decided to do this under the strict agreement that we were going to have a day care where we lived and we would never again live in a day care, which is what ended up happening last time. I am listed again and I am keeping 3 little girls under the age of 4; I am having way too much fun. I also wanted to stay home because
B) We have decided to try for another baby. Not really sure when we will officially start this, as I am trying to start eating right and maintaining an exercise routine so that I can have a much healthier pregnancy this time around. We are very excited, Sydney being the most excited of all! She can't wait to have a baby brother or baby sister!
Speaking of Syd: She is amazing! She is now in 2nd grade, the first 6 weeks behind her. She loves her teacher and her new school. She is so smart and creative! She has great friends and is turning into quite a wonderful big kid... she turned 8 in September and reminded me that although she will always be my baby, she is no longer a baby in any other sense of the word!
We had a wonderful summer... we took several family trips! Dallas, Albuqurque, Kerrville... Syd and I even made it to the big city of Alpine! It was nice to get to spend some time with my extended family, as well as my lil family!
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