Acceptance

Stage 1: Denial and Isolation- This was early on when I kept my feelings to myself. I would watch "A Baby Story" in secret and pray to have another baby one day. The dr. had told me that I have the early stages of a prolapsed uterus and that conceiving might be difficult, but she didn't say impossible so I held out hope.

Stage 2: Anger- After somewhat discussing it with Tommy and him completely shooting the idea down, I was so mad at him. Everything he said or did infuriated me to no end. It wasn't until I had my breakdown and heart-to-heart with him that I began to see he was right!

Stage 3: Barganing- Even after I began to see Tommy's side, I called around to hospitals and clinics to try and see what the out-of-pocket expenses would look like. I confronted Tommy with my information, and was shot down again. His response was stern, but loving and what he was telling me was so right. His pro's list made so much more sense than mine!

Stage 4: Depression- I never really got what I considered depressed. I was really sad, but as long as I didn't think about it I was just fine. It was when I was alone with my thoughts that I was sad, or if someone wanted to talk about it. I would just politely say, "It makes me really sad to talk about it so I'd rather not, but thank you for being concerned." But make no mistake, there were plenty of tears.

Stage 5: Acceptance- I do feel like I have lost a child, and I by no means am comparing my grief to others who have actually lost a child. But I did want a baby desperately; I still do, but I have now accepted the fact that, apart from a miracle, it's just not going to happen. I'm starting to be ok with that. My pro's list is starting to look selfish, but that's ok. I think that is part of the process of moving on as well, to think of yourself.

I have a great life and shame on me to complain as much as I did about not getting to have another baby. I have a wonderful husband who adores me, despite my craziness. I have an amazing, healthy, beautiful daughter who has my whole heart. It's kind of nice to be able to tell her that I love her more than anyone in the whole world and know that every syllable of that statement is true. I'm too blessed to be stressed!